Yes, Virginia, Perversion and Christmas Do Mix

After Ted Haggard, and now this guy, it’s starting to seem positively de rigeur for Christian homophobes to have a nice, dark closet that they can hide in. And why not? Have you seen the way these people raise their kids? I’m surprised that we didn’t find out that Haggard liked to get rimmed by billy goats while dressed as Ava Gardner and watching reruns of Green Acres or something equally inventive.

If you really, really want to make sure your kid turns out to be the city’s biggest perv, Kids in Ministry International has just the thing for you. For a mere $124.95, you can get their Blood of Jesus Visual Kit. What do you get for your money? Well…..

  • Crown of Thorns
  • One Crucifixion Nail
  • Cat of Nine Tails Whip
  • Tabernacle Felt Set
  • Life-size Latex Heart Model
  • Kids Discover Magazine on Blood
  • Scarlet Cord with Tassels
  • Cardboard Ark of the Covenant
  • Cardboard Brazen Altar
  • Instructions to Make High Priest Costume
  • Instructions to Make a Temple Veil
  • Chef’s cap for High Priest’s Crown
  • Judge’s Gavel
  • Simplicity Patterns for Bible costumes

Toy nails Crown of Thorns Whip

With stuff like this, the parents should be happy if giving blowjobs for a nickel apiece in the back room of the Mine Shaft is the oddest thing their darling little angel winds up doing. I mean, I remember getting my first flogger, and it sure wasn’t a present from mom and dad.

The best thing, though, is the accessory they offer: The Sacrifice Lamb.

Sacrifice Lamb

Adorable, isn’t he? The Sacrifice Lamb “stands 15″ tall so it is nearly life-size of a new-born lamb.”  Even better, it’s made to fit perfectly on the altar that comes with the Visual Kit, so that your darlings can practice their Holy Butchering techniques. (I suppose it would be “too Jewish” for them to include something on proper Kosher slaughtering methods.)

Christianity: for when your kid absolutely, positively has to be a closet case by 16.


3 thoughts on “Yes, Virginia, Perversion and Christmas Do Mix”

  1. I’m really, really frightened seeing that. I didn’t look long and hard, I’m in a rush, but please, please tell me that’s satirical. Wow. There are no words.

  2. I’m sorry, Tess, but no, it’s not satirical at all. Worse, it’s not even all that unusual. There are even worse things. See, for instance, the Christian video game Left Behind: Eternal Forces, in which your kiddies do graphic battle with the forces of the Antichrist:

    Eternal Forces is a real-time strategy videogame, meaning that a player manipulates an entire army simultaneously, as opposed to the common first-person shooter games in which a player controls only one character. In essence, the player becomes the commander of a virtual army, deciding when to unleash weapons from an arsenal of guns, tanks and helicopters. Of course, since this is an evangelical game, soldiers lose “spirit points” each time they kill an opponent, leaving them prey to the Antichrist’s forces and in dire need of replenishment through prayer. To top it off, each time a soldier slays one of the Antichrist’s soldiers (who are UN Peacekeepers, remember), he triumphantly cries, “Praise the Lord!” (link)

     I think that if you look at the Left Behind phenomenon and the toys that these people foist on their kids, you get a lot of very, very scary insights into the culture that birthed GWB, ideologically speaking.  While they may accuse us, the liberals and perverts, of fostering a “culture of death,” theirs is a culture that can see nothing but death.  Remember that 20 years ago, Reagan’s first Secretary of the Interior, James Watt, declared that we didn’t need to conserve the environment because Jesus would be returning in less than fifty years.  He might have seemed a freak to America at large, but within the evangelical culture, he was fairly mainstream, and now that view is even more conventional.  When I see how hateful and fucked-up these people are, it makes me cherish my lovely, lovely pervert friends <looks alluringly at Tess> even more.

  3. Chris:

    Didn’t know which post would be the best to grace with my *holiday greeting card,* but this one on the Blood of Jesus Visual Kit will do nicely. So I am providing a link to Sam Harris’ site for this picture that I really wanted to use for this year’s Christmas cards:
    Give the Gift of Reason.

    My best wishes to you and Mickey for a lovely holiday season and good health, happiness and propserity and perversion in the new year.


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