After Ted Haggard, and now this guy, it’s starting to seem positively de rigeur for Christian homophobes to have a nice, dark closet that they can hide in. And why not? Have you seen the way these people raise their kids? I’m surprised that we didn’t find out that Haggard liked to get rimmed by billy goats while dressed as Ava Gardner and watching reruns of Green Acres or something equally inventive.
If you really, really want to make sure your kid turns out to be the city’s biggest perv, Kids in Ministry International has just the thing for you. For a mere $124.95, you can get their Blood of Jesus Visual Kit. What do you get for your money? Well…..
- Crown of Thorns
- One Crucifixion Nail
- Cat of Nine Tails Whip
- Tabernacle Felt Set
- Life-size Latex Heart Model
- Kids Discover Magazine on Blood
- Scarlet Cord with Tassels
- Cardboard Ark of the Covenant
- Cardboard Brazen Altar
- Instructions to Make High Priest Costume
- Instructions to Make a Temple Veil
- Chef’s cap for High Priest’s Crown
- Judge’s Gavel
- Simplicity Patterns for Bible costumes
With stuff like this, the parents should be happy if giving blowjobs for a nickel apiece in the back room of the Mine Shaft is the oddest thing their darling little angel winds up doing. I mean, I remember getting my first flogger, and it sure wasn’t a present from mom and dad.
The best thing, though, is the accessory they offer: The Sacrifice Lamb.
Adorable, isn’t he? The Sacrifice Lamb “stands 15″ tall so it is nearly life-size of a new-born lamb.” Even better, it’s made to fit perfectly on the altar that comes with the Visual Kit, so that your darlings can practice their Holy Butchering techniques. (I suppose it would be “too Jewish” for them to include something on proper Kosher slaughtering methods.)
Christianity: for when your kid absolutely, positively has to be a closet case by 16.