Cover Letter of the Gods

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Although I have neither the specific life experiences of Mimi in New York nor her skills, the chutzpah and contempt for the modern workplace she shows here make this the cover letter I would love to send. It's a masterful bit of self-parody and an attack on our corporate masters wrapped into one: 

Unfortunately, I don't possess any prior knowledge of Quark Express and have only recently discovered how to work the spell check on MS Word, but I can text up to 20 words per minute using predictive text, and always sport a well manicured bikini area, whilst I have also developed an unerring talent for tolerating those itchy, spangly g-strings comprised mainly of plastic sequins. My people skills have been impeccably honed due to two years spent on various large sailing yachts with multiple stinking, farting men, and combined with 14 months grinding corporate cock, I feel perfectly qualified to work within the high-stress, male-dominated atmosphere of Corporate America. I have an ability to compromise, perfected from the lengthy and demanding negotiations involved in my former employment (eg "Give me a blow job", "No, fuck off", "Give me a hand job", "No, fuck off", "Give me a lapdance", "OK") and yet a steely determination of where my goals are and how to achieve them ("It's 850 bucks for a private room, no fucking freebies").

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One thought on “Cover Letter of the Gods”

  1. Ever since I was self-diagnosed with a life-threatening allergic reaction to the standard 9 to 5 employment, I considered the status of employee to be closely related to sexworker, particularly the latter’s more unsavory aspects. Over the years I collected quite a few lipstick on pig job ads, i.e., ads that cannot help but reveal workplaces designed to demoralize the average citizen. If I recall correctly, Chris, you recently endured the ignominy of the job search. Here are a few gems that I collected during my review of the job ads. Perhaps you could add a few well-attired porcines to the list:

    1. A pitbull attitude along with the thick sin necessary to succeed in a demanding environment.

    2. We are seeking a warrior manager.

    3. Candidate must share our passion for men’s toiletries.

    4. Must deal effectively with difficult people at all levels of the organization.

    5. Ability to multi-task and respond quickly to constantly changing priorities.

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